Ok, I've done the 50 best characters and I loved every second of writing it, I expect I won't have the same level of fun writing about the 50 worst.
The 50 I have selected are who I believe to be the most offensive of the series. All the characters would have had to appear in a few episodes, one-scene no-marks (with one or two exceptions) will not be included. Nor will characters such as Meg Morris, Ettie Parslow, Lynn Warner, Georgie Baxter or Bobbie Mitchell, whom I dislike, but not enough to place in this list...Or characters that are crap, but that I like because they are so bad, people like Spiros , Pat Slattery, Bob Morris, The Customer etc etc .
The criteria is simple. Either bad acting, bad/boring storyline, irritating nuances and traits, acts of gross stupidity or a preachy, patronizing or grating tone of voice. It was fairly easy to draw up this list, not as easy to rank...some of the ratings may surprise you.
First up is Horrie. Usually its poor old Edith that gets the lion's share of abuse from viewers, but I actually don't mind the wacky old duck. It's this guy that offends with his horrid acting.
The first we see of him he is bedridden like Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka, but I don't think any manner of golden ticket would coax this old fucker out of bed, he expects Edith to wait on him hand and foot...lets just hope off-screen she doesn't see to his sexual needs too.
In the end, landlady Mrs Bessie (nee Gibson) throws the pair of them out onto the street. Horrie doesn't complain, he looked like a tramp anyway so it was fairly easy for him to be accepted into the park bench and oil-drum fire society later that night.
Poor old Edith is made to sleep in the cold...and what's worse? The old sod actually dies on her, next morning she's left to fend for herself..before the day is out, she's in jail, couple of days after that, she'd dead herself.
I suspect that if she wasn't looking after Horrie, life may not have kicked her in the (false) teeth so much.
Much as I like Tom Oliver as an actor, and he seems a great person too, I can't stand Ken Pearce. Not from any acting standpoint (the scene he has with Jock is top class) but the way he was written.
He is seen as the 'love interest' for Bea, but there's no love coming out of him, not one little bit. He knows that Bea is into him, not just into him, but loves him...yet he continues to act as if that isn't the case, foisting his daughter on her for a spell in the pokey (which could only have the negative effect of turning Ken off Bea if Debbie didn't like her). Telling her that he 'could care a real lot' before being banned from the prison, but not acting on these supposed feelings when he is allowed back 6 months or so later, bringing his daughter to a private, conjugal visit...that was the limit! And to top it all off, he decides to have another go of it with his wife (who seems to hate him) and tells Bea so, breaking her heart right in front of her.
He just doesn't seem to realise that Bea is head over heels in love with him, just wants HIM, doesn't want to talk, doesn't want anything to do with her daughter...just wants HIM! He doesn't get it, and it's why I can't stand him. Tony Maguire gets it right for Bea years later, gives her what she craves, male company.
Yeah, yeah Smash...I know you love the guy, but come on, what a cock! Taking months to fix a couple of dodgy fuses and continually stating that 'the whole place needs rewiring' over and over when Vera correctly asserts in response that the building is nearly new.
He also actually expects to keep his contract at the prison after routinely fucking one of the inmates... actually falls in love with Marilyn 'I am a shameless prostitute' Mason, and is surprised when she has pimps after her on the day of her release, although quite how the legendary Taro Thomas found Eddie's crappy flat is a mystery.
Eddie is a ridiculous chauvinist and generally talks to Marilyn like a child, even though he's thick as shit himself, memorably rejecting Monica Ferguson's bloody generous offer to run her milk-bar. Eventually though, he does accept. I often get pleasure thinking about the abuse Eddie would have gotten from Joan had he been there years later, as it is, Vera's dislike of him was more than enough, and spoke for me.
47) The Social Workers - 475-477
While the leader of this pack of cretins will get his own write-up, I feel two of the other shit workers that pollute the show during the officers strike should be mown down in print...first up: Gladys...
47:A) Gladys (Di O'Connor)
Don't know her surname, but it must have been 'Pratt' I reckon. She was one of the stupid social workers drafted in to take the place of trained officers during the strike. Gladys was the complete cretin who took Dot Farrar for a hospital appointment then decided to 'pop to the bank'...she has a convicted criminal in her care and bloody leaves her?
Even Dot is up in arms about this, and takes off back to the prison without her, deservedly landing Gladys in the poo, although she shrugs it off and wonders aloud how can they be expected to know what to do! Exactly why you shouldn't bloody be there!
Although, to be fair, even the 'best' officers let the prisoners escape at will, it became a hobby for Bea Smith. Still, these goddamn social workers made me sick. I'm not finished with them yet!
47:B) Marion (Taylor Owens)
The next of the hideous 'social' workers to feature here. You may have noticed the quotation marks around the word 'social' just then, that's because Marion appears to possess absolutely no social skills whatsoever. She is cold, bitter, nasty, snappy and a coward too. Plus, her horrible dress and haircut combo which made her look like a librarian at a Christmas party.
She way she tries to tell the women exactly how to waltz is shouted memorably down by the superb Myra, and on another occasion, the top-dog tips her food all over her. Then there was the patronizing tone as she checked the nutty old woman's bed for a 'dead body' only to find said corpse and use the situation to garner sympathy.
This 'social' worker is eventually turfed out with the others after three episodes, but not before running to the press with her experiences and being unrepentant to the last after doing so...I wouldn't mind this so much, but her very profession is supposed to uphold confidentiality, and off she runs to spill her guts at the first opportunity. A complete fool.
46) Dr Steve Ryan (Peter Hayes)
Wet, wet, wet! And I'm not talking about the band! That's all I have to say about this guy. Look at the bloody size of him! He gets floored by Rita Connors with one punch and is tied up like a pathetic fool during the riot...what's holding his arms together? A slight piece of cord! Joan calls him 'glamour-puss' and she's spot on as usual.
Oh how I detested this simpering fool, with his dungarees, misplaced advice and overall supercilious nature when he is a preening pretty-boy still living in mummys house even though he's a qualified Doctor.
A doctor with an inexplicable interest in women's prisons and talking to Mervin as if he's an equal in terms of human intelligence.
Has no place in the series other than to sew Joyce's head up. A complete waste of time.
Is there some sort of rule that all 16 year old boys must by whiny, moany little shits who expect their parents to drop everything, drop their jobs and listen to his moaning? Yes, Martin, your parents are going to talk about the prison a bit, it's their joint-place of work, what manner of discussion are you going to bring to the table other than your homework and news of your first pube? Look at him go down to the prison and expect Bill to come out when he's in the middle of being seduced by Chrissie? Sod that for a game of soldiers!
After the riot, Greg decides to tactfully tell Marty that his father is dead after another bout of moaning. Marty suddenly turns nice, making his mother a cup of tea, but then balking at the fact he has to go to school (actually, I'm with him on that one) It isn't long before Marty abandons his recently bereaved mother and joins the army. And then there's Donna! Never mind the viewers actually accepting that the hardly attractive Marty could pull such a fit girl, and tongue her in the school playground no less, but to announce to Meg that you intend to move out and live with her! Well that took the cake, Meg comments that he's a child! Marty hits back with 'I'm nearly 17 for gods sake!'...yes, a minor! You still have to do what your mother tells you!
All in all, he was a disaster as a character, and I think Korosey's piss-poor performances are what kept Marty off our screens for some four and a half years, and it was a role that would eventually be recast twice.
The first member of the dreaded 'Barnhurst Five' to make their bow in this list!! The one reason that the deplorable Willie isn't much higher in this list is because I like Kirsty Child as a performer, she was great as Anne Yates, and even Faye Quinn's sister, and did what was asked of her as Willie...but what was asked of her was to be a chief irritant, over-doing the characters histrionic nature and wrecking potentially good scenes with her annoying melodrama and crocodile tears. If she was a 5 episode guest spot I could put up with it, but the characters lasts 50 episodes!
It's hard to take, especially the outrageously camp scenes she has with May Collins which border on the turgid. She is certainly part of the reason why the Barnhurst 5 period is so awful. To see this pompous cow - a convicted thief - on the council spouting morals and laying judge and jury on legends like Lou is preposterous. Aside from an excellent last episode when she launches a scathing attack on Ann for May's death, and an entertaining return in the dying embers of 1986, Child very rarely shows her talents, and for that reason, Beecham features on this list.
Incorrectly framed for a glut of thievery actually committed by one of Minnie girls, Mo arrived in Wentworth as a ball of fury.
She over-did the temper tantrums so much I actually hoped she'd stay framed. Not that I'm surprised at the morally incorrect Minnie withholding the truth, but her doing so was the catalyst for some embarrassing scenes of 'anger' from Mo. And then there was her pseudo Irish accent - Just no. Plus she had the fucking gall to slap Joan Ferguson during her nice period.
You got slapped back girl, and from there went all your heat! One of many rubbish characters produced in 1984, who departed by becoming the housekeeper to Camilla Wells...ok, so she might not nick anything, but if, I don't know, they run out of potatoes or something - she could smash the place up, while hurling loud Gaelic obscenities...scary.
An absolute nonentity.
In prison for failing to read her charges properly. Would the police be so cruel and dumb as to not realize she couldn't read...no...of course they would. Being used solely as a need to show why the prison should have a teacher, Dianne achieved diddly-squat while inside aside from moon about in the laundry with a gormless look on her face, like Nora Flynn but with even LESS personality.
The scene where she reads with Judy by her side is excruciating. Bryant correcting her every second, even when she got the words right...arrrgh. It's characters like this that ruin this part of the 83 season, a time that should be great due to Nola, but is held down because of the likes of Henley.
A crap character for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, badly acted throughout. But here are some other reasons. Firstly, he complains about being treated like a piece of meat by the inmates...but still has 'the hots' for Pixie, then soon as she's conveniently raped and packed off to Ingleside, he's straight in there with Marlene...and if you think I'm being harsh...it really is about one or two episodes after this happens.
Next, the fact that he entertains the notion of marriage to Marlene, who as you'll read later, is a hideous person in almost every way. And because his original crime - bashing up a gay man who came onto him - is something we should all be appalled by not sympathetic to, ok, if the guy came on too strong, tell him to back off, threaten to hurt him...don't beat seven bells out of him, also uses the derogatory word 'queer' when he counts Judy Bryant as a friend of his. Fortunately, Geoff Macrae is there to mostly keep this potential hooligan in line, but often, he's not. Just a very annoying bloke indeed, but like anyone else, I find the actual marriage episode is really good.
