'Det Sgt Thomas'
Episodes 5-6 - Played by Neil Thompson
Well, lets get started then, and who better to kick us off than Neil Thompson.
A man who makes regular appearances throughout the series and while his performances are consistent...they are always shite! He's fine when he's the voice on the radio as he invariably was...or a judge or a magistrate...when given very little to do, he offers exactly that, very little (Unlike messrs Barradell-Smith or Tim Robertson who always made it their own.) But when handed a larger role in the series, I'm always amazed that he returns for another. We can use his Detective Sgt Thomas for a start.
Firstly...what are the chances of the same bloke being called in to both our opening Prisoner's cases. Yes, he not only turns up in Karen Travers' flashback of murdering husband Wayne, but manages to leap over to Lynn's tale of woe as she is raped by Paul Bentley and then finds herself accused of burying young Richie. I'm not sure what's worse. The hat and tie combo that makes him look a taxman on a busman's holiday ,the frightful pair of sideburns that he remains loyal to all the way through to his final role, to the sort of 'dog sucking on another dogs nuts' expression he has on his face when Karen answers to the door to him or to his extremely wooden delivery. Watch as he talks to Karen when she wants the questioning to come to an end and he replies...'Not yet....not just yet' I think this is supposed to be stern, but the flashback ends before he can finish his sentence.
And with Lynn, he at first seems kind and caring, I mean the woman has just been through a rape...but then wow...the rage 'WHERE'S THE BABY!!!'.....'what baby?'....'THE BABY...WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM!!'...Er...right...she doesn't know what you're on about and neither do we, stop the ranting man, you haven't even taken her down to the station yet for gods sake, she's not even under arrest. What a dope...more from Thompson a bit later.
'Graham Lang'
Episodes 10-12 - Played by Adrian Wright
Before all of you jump on me for criticising someone who was actually quite a good character, let me explain. Firstly, of course, this genius went on to play Neil Murray, so this is not so much an acting critique, more of a character attack.
Secondly...the guys premise is a joke! Hanging around in the pub on the off-chance that the sociopathic Vera Bennett may turn up, and that she'd get paralytic drunk enough for him to come to her aid, and that she'd let him sleep with her, that he would actually SLEEP with her...and that she...joy of all joys, was a prison officer, and that she'd agree to put pressure on Marilyn Mason for him! Add to that, fucking terrible wig!
No, this character did not make sense and pushed co-incidence to the point of impossibility, but I did so enjoy his scenes in WDC, especially when he says to Meg 'So you think drug pushers are a good thing? Hmmm?? You think they're ok? HMMM!' And the way he glances at the photo of his wife while on the phone to Vera as if that mattered earlier when he was in the pub looking like a friendless tosser. Classic Wright there...brought to bear much more spectacularly as the Nasty Nurse in 82.
Episode 35 - Played by John Murphy
I never thought for a second that episode 35 could be left out of my ranting...it would be rude to do so. Fortunately, Col Bourke is not to be the subject of my abuse, nor is gods gift to all upper class twits Patrick Woods. Nor his dumb wife, nor the drunkard Noeline, nor the pillow-hurling Vera Bennett...no the subject is to be Inspector Horne. I honestly don't know what came over John Murphy, he plays a few roles after this and doesn't offend at all. He is Judy's boss at the Cab firm who kindly gives her her job back, Pixie's hapless solicitor and the lawyer who tries valiantly to get Joan custody of Shane. He's even ok as a copper later on when questioning Dor the Bore over a withdrawal from her account. But what on earth he was playing at when he took on this role? I'm not sure if he's trying to be Harry Lime, Jack Carter or Rick Blaine! Or all three roles into one.
Oh, he's an uncompromising, hard-nosed 'tough' old gumshoe who's 'seen it all'...and treats the action of a retarded simpleton taking a pregnant woman hostage like the mafia were in town and have already massacred twenty people. The way he talks to Col through the megaphone like he is communicating with someone with the power of rational thought. Patrick tells him over and over what a perfect pillock he is, but Horne thinks he knows better, thinks his power of reasoning is enough to settle any hostage negotiation...well he's wrong, Col with the tongue of a three year old tells Horne 'ne-ne-nenene-ne' and refuses to budge. Horne then lets Patrick take over his own job and that fails too, with Woods almost dying himself.
The 'Inspector' then resorts to allowing a paralytic drunk Noeline in to talk sense into Col with Vera as her guide...he actually lets two more civilians into the place unarmed! What a joke! In the end, what occurs is NOTHING to do with Horne at all. Noeline just decides that Col is a complete knob and walks out of the room, then Vera chucks a pillow into his face and saves Mrs Woods. Col follows Noeline out of the house pointing his stupid rifle to the entire convened police force...they waste no time in shooting the twerp dead. Good job an all...but you can see Horne is pained...you can just see his disappointment in not preventing Col's demise, that he can add yet another death to all he's seen in his storied career...he signs off with this beauty, biting his lower lip and dripping with cynicism...'Do you know where we can get any breakfast around here?'
Episodes 57 & 62 Played by Kevin Summers & Bob Ruggiero
Let me get this straight, Glenys Buchanan - the sole witness to Toni McNally's murder of Jackie Coulson - has been moved to a 'safe-house' guarded by two detectives...two detectives who perpetually reassure Glenys that she will in fact be 'safe' So why is it then that Toni's hubby Sean's boys have tracked it down immediately? And even stranger when they knock on the door, both 'detectives' go to answer it, not covering the back, which was now exposed and coincidentally features a wide open window...it's a total shock horror moment when these two alleged detectives discover Glenys gone. She could have been kidnapped as easy as pie. As it turns out, Buchanan probably perceptively fancied her chances of being safer without the crappy coppers help, seeing how quickly she was tracked down.
However, fending for herself didn't work out for the not exactly brainy Buchanan, and she was nearly buried alive. After evading this, she returned to police custody, and was guarded by the SAME pair of dolts that let her escape before...and sure enough, a threatening note is delivered to Glenys in her meal warning her that theres more than one way to kill a cat. Glenys decides wisely on life ahead of death and retracts her evidence at Toni's trial, resulting in her acquittal. If only these two MORONS did their job and prevented anyone from threatening, coercing or intimidating Glenys then Toni would have been jailed and Ros wouldn't have had to kill her.
While Bob Ruggiero never reached great heights in the show - aside from being the idiot cop that doesn't see through Nancy's McCormack's tissue of lies - Kevin Summers is of course well known for his long standing role as Ben Fulbright, along with two very entertaining roles from 1982 and 1983 respectively, Lou Reynolds and Rev Alpha Centauri. But then again, he played one more detective, Parsons, the one investigating Leila Fletcher's complaints of being terrorised outside and inside her home. Ok, he didn't really do much wrong here, but I get the feeling that if he pushed more of a button on Michael Simpson's movements, Fletcher's two kids would still be alive...but then we'd still have Leila alive too...I'm torn.
Episodes 74-76 - Played by Telford Jackson.
Good old Telford! Who could forget his long and arduous stint as Judy Bryant's personal solicitor Mr Askin? Any man who has had to put up with all her bellyaching and ridiculous scrapes deserves some kind of credit,. Be it brawls with her sister, a spot of casual euthanasia or suing smelly pop stars, Askin always retained a quiet calm manner throughout...and then there's his spell as Jenny Hartley's solicitor Moss...he practically gets accused of corruption on the flimsiest pretext...and still doesn't lose temper!
Quite how Telford remained calm during his spell as a 'desk sergeant' in late 1979 was a mystery. Can't a man do his job without some utter gimp of a reporter turning up and driving him mad? If the truth be told, our Desk Sergeant probably enjoyed the break from monotony whenever the loathsome Alex Fraser paid him a visit. Alex was after a 'human interest' story, and proceeded to bore the shit out of the viewers with the conversations he and the D.S. had...sometimes you get the feeling he wanted to tell Fraser to...how can I put this...FUCK OFF...but like with Askin, none of Jackson's characters ever lost their rag.
Eventually, he put Fraser onto the Ros Coulson escape and from there he stuck his nose into Pat O'Connell's life, resulting in the death of her son. A full fledged rant about Fraser isn't far away, but these scenes with the Desk Sergeant were bog awful - haven't you got any bloody work to do!!
Episode 184 - Played by Sidney Jackson
Everyone is entitled to a dud...and this is Sidney Jackson's dud. All his other roles were great. We had Det Sgt Teagan, who really destroyed Bea Smith during the Gilmour murder investigation. His brief role as Frank Moore, the bloke in charge of the trainee screws, was good for another great scene with Bea...and once again, one of the highlights of Jackson's role as the excellent Arthur Richards was a scene with Bea after the bomb blast, plus an even better one with Ann...all in all, Jackson was a good performer as well as a writer for the show...pity he has this one stain on his Priz portfolio. I mean, the haberdashery 'siege' was already a rotter of a story before he came along. What with those gormless plebs Wayne and Bazza, plus those outrageously irritating old bags from the shop. Not forgetting the do-gooding Meg's involvement either.
This story sees the official debut of Inspector Thorne (although he had been seen in earlier weeks arresting Jock Stewart), he and his underling, Marsh, arrive to handle this siege. But Marsh had a ridiculous gung-ho mentality, sort of 'lets smoke them out' 'kill em' 'blow em up' 'shoot the bastards' blah, blah, blah. It drove Thorne mad and it drove me mad. What did he think it was? Vietnam? The only people being held hostage were nearly dead anyway! Honestly! Although, perhaps I'm being harsh, perhaps, like us, his intelligence was insulted by the bungling antics of Wayne and Bazza and he was keen to put an end to them. Eventually, once Thorne had left him in charge, Marsh provoked the two prats into running out of the shop...and to their deaths. Good on ya Marsh! But still, crap acting earlier mate.
Episode 248 - Played by Peter Paulsen
What about this guy...barges into Wentworth when he must have been told there was a riot situation, and actually expects someone to run in to the prison and fetch Lizzie Birdsworth for her court appearance. And then when Lizzie is brought out to deliver a message from the rioters she isn't allowed to go back in and give the response because Hanley dragged her off to court, leading Marie to think that the screws had double-crossed them and leading them to continue to riot. That said, if Hanley hadn't of acted, we wouldn't have gotten to see Jim Fletcher as the milk tray man with his grappling hook.
'Detective Carter'
Episode 296 - Played by Graham Dow
Not so much incompetent, just had an amusing turn of phrase as he said 'Susie!! Is that who you're looking for' when Judy blunders into Donna's place, he also had an entertaining pair of ears and sported atop his head what looked suspiciously like a hairpiece. This actor would be seen again as the judge who has sexual feelings towards Ettie Parslow...one for the looney bin then.
'Detective'
Episode 316 - Played by Patrick Aimer
This arch twat has got to be mentioned. He is called in when Steve Faulkner discovers Joan's glove in Neil's cupboard, and deduces that he is the black gloved killer.
Why on earth he feels the need to descend onto Wentworth when there's been an escape at the hospital I have no idea...but he's there just to act as if he owns the place, use the phone and bark orders.
Some awful dialogue delivery is in evidence..."no, there's no time for that, we've gotta find Murray and quick!" with all the urgency of someone who is dyslexic debating a restaurant menu at their leisure which has 300 pages and is written in size 8 font, and also "I can't see any reason for him to change his M.O., can you?" delivered with the confidence of someone who has just put their family home on a 500-1 outsider in The Grand National.
Just a very poor actor, and this is displayed more later when he walks Chrissie into the room as if he's come all the way from Neil's house rather than just off-set. It's also displayed in his previous role as the bishop who marries Meg and Bob...is that supposed to be an Irish accent?
'Police Officer' 'Police Officer'
Episode 316 - Played by Bill Binks & Rohan Glen
Ah, one of the absolute peaches. Bill Binks, along with Ian Sprake seem to be the premier 'Police' actors. Bill was probably the most solid, I did always love the scene in 533 - possibly the only pairing of both Binks AND Sprake together - when they decide to ignore their order to transfer Matt and Frank until after the wedding, one of the only times I've actually enjoyed a police moment in the show (that wasn't a Grace-ism of course) Binks is also supreme foil to Frank Burke when he is being shoved into the police van in 555, laughing in his face...yes, I did like Bill Binks contribution to Prisoner...but I'm afraid no-one can save him from the mini-atrocity of what occurs in 316...
After being ordered by the 'Detective' (See previous entry) to check out Neil's abandoned cottage...one can only assume their edict was to check the place out, and get Chrissie's body ready for a trip to the morgue. Seriously, these two arrive with the impression that Latham has already been killed by Murray. What did the detective tell them? 'Murray's a nutter, he'd have killed her by now, just go in at your leisure and check the place out...we don't want too much paperwork do we'...Protect and serve? My eye!! Neil, despite pulling off two very slick murders in previous weeks, has trouble finishing off Chrissie, in his own words he has put her on 'a pedestal' and demands she eats a last meal before her 'death'...Chrissie is understandably freaked out by this, but Neil tops this when he sees the police pull up...I wouldn't worry mate, you got all the time in the world.
The police even SEE Neil looking out through a window and don't do anything except pull out their pistols without the intent to use them. Chrissie doesn't intend to die however and lets out a belter of a scream...and this finally gets the attention of the boys in blue. 'She's still alive!!!' Binks cries, genuinely surprised!! Chrissie then escapes the clutches of Neil and runs out of the house with Murray in tow, Binks redeems himself by shooting - but not killing - Neil and saving the day. But seriously...they rush round there and assume Chrissie is dead? Utterly vile policing!!!
Det. Sgt Tanner
Episodes 335-336 - Played by Peter Paulsen
Played by the same legend who portrayed the tactful Sgt Hanley, Tanner had quite obviously grabbed the rulebook, ate it page by page and shat it out while laughing. Upon arresting Hazel Kent for using proceeds from an armed robbery, Tanner has decided that a hopeless alcoholic, someone who simply hasn't had the time to go to Western Australia and back, someone with very limited brain capacity and who had last been seen battering seven bells of shit out of Officer Bailey just before her parole was due...was the architect of an armed hold-up!!
His rank is apparently 'Detective Sergeant'...but as far as I knew, a detective was supposed to 'detect'...not just charge the first person you arrest...the culprit was more likely to be the recent escapee from Parkwoods prison...whose description certainly fits the woman Hazel had been staying with in Driscoll House. Didn't the cop-shops country wide get a picture of Nola McKenzie sent over to them? It's painful watching Tanner 'interrogating' the drunkard Kent, 'I didn't rob no baiiiinnnnk'.
But it's even worse when after getting an unintelligible admission that Kent did 'steal the money' (From 'Jean Carter' not the bank!) and Tanner took this as a confession! However, just to add the nail in the coffin, Tanner verbals Hazel by adding in some choice dialogue of his own, which would look unbelievably silly in print...'So you did rob the bank?' 'Yes'...even Tanner's colleague is aghast that this statement is going to be admissible in court...but Tanner is adamant, Kent did it, and forces her to sign the statement.
Jean Carter is soon arrested for possession of stolen goods and meets up with Hazel inside, but Tanner still refuses to clear her...and even in the face of the obvious, he can't backtrack now for his own sake...what a pickle he's in. In the end, with Jean now revealed to be Nola McKenzie, she decides - out of the goodness of her own heart considering she was stolen from - to admit the truth, she did the robbery. Tanner has no choice to drop the charges...and surely he'd have to have been fired, and perhaps face criminal charges himself for gross professional misconduct - what a moron!!
'Policeman'
Episode 352 - Played by Burt Cooper.
I have to mention this guy. Burt Cooper did actually have a really good role in the series before this part. He was the excellent Terry Mansini, Antonia McNally's rather unethical solicitor who probably refused to have his case searched better then anyone else in the series. He also returned in 1982 as 'Max' - the maintenance man who rescues Susie Driscoll from the ventilation shaft...bet he copped a feel.
Anyway, for some reason, this handy actor was drafted in for a two-scene appearance in episode 352. It's a nothing part really...walk in, ask if Faye Quinn is there, then wait until she returns and arrest her...but the way he plays it is so funny. It's during the move from the first Driscoll house...and Judy is still busy moving stuff in...and in comes the copper...resisting the opportunity to say 'ello, ello, ello' and slowly cases the place out, looking from side to side with a face like he's just been fisted.
He continues to lean his head around every nook and cranny for about two minutes before asking Judy what this place is as if he's the superintendent rather than a beat copper. He then inquires after Faye Quinn...which is what he should have done within seconds of arrival, especially as she has just committed a robbery. Get on with it you idiot!! What a plonker! So funny! Cooper would redeem himself a few years later by being a police friend of Joan while she tries to endure Lorelei Wilkinson's annoying ways.
'Dierdre Makin'
Episodes 358-359 - Played by Kristine Karman
Possibly the worst one of all!! If I wasn't insulted enough with the ease in which Bea Smith skipped out of Wentworth in episode 352, the way she was able to freely traverse around Sydney was even worse. Oh, the 'police' were on her case alright, especially after she had left the odious Sonia Hanlon deservedly bound and gagged in her shed...but what good did they do? Bea was pretty easy to spot by a retired socialite even dressed as a demented dinnerlady...she should be easy to identify with just a headscarf and glasses...I mean who wears a headscarf in Sydney? Its bloody boiling! Anyway, after escaping from Hanlon, Bea had checked herself into a hotel, raising not even an iota of suspicion from the hotelier as she commandeered his newspaper, emblazoned with her visage. Soon after, she made a beeline for everyone's favourite mentalist Doreen Burns, who had left some poor disabled woman she was supposed to be a home help to and managed to navigate her way to Sydney all on her little own.
So, with all realism abandoned from the getgo, we get a look at Doreen's place of work...a clothes store. Highly unlikely Doreen would have managed to secure a job in the retail trade unless she went down the 'Debbie Ray' route again a la 1980, but I guess she didn't want or need another tight trousered idiot husband. Soon after we had the establishing scenes of Doreen sappily tending to customers, she was introduced to a new member of the team - Deirdre Makin. Now, if Doreen had a brain to neighbour that ego of hers, she'd have to wonder why the hell the store was taking on new staff, there's more room in a Wentworth cell and about three customers. Alas, Doreen doesn't have a brain...but even SHE saw through 'Deirdre'...and that's because she SCREAMED undercover cop, but it was soon spelled out even more palpably then that when Makin decided to phone her base to tell them she was 'in'...right in Doreen's earshot, confirming her hunch. And if Deirdre Makin is her assumed name, then I can only assume her real name is Ima Crapcop. At all the wrong times she was either pointedly not doing any work...or when something suspicious was happening - she was doing her work!! Arrrgghh, it's too painful for words...especially when Smith did finally descend on the store. Bea - having never forgotten how she was denied a kidney from Doreen, due to her fear of 'being cut up'... - decided to very purposefully go to her place of work and be caught with her, resulting in Doreen's arrest for consorting with an escapee...only with such incompetence abound, that was impossible.
Deirdre's remit is to watch Doreen Burns and to look for anything suspicious...but when she sees her talking to a VERY suspicious looking woman, with a headscarf, dark sunglasses...a woman who turns around and speaks to Doreen as if she knows her...a woman who is ADDRESSED by Doreen in not very quiet tones as 'Bea'...RUN OVER THERE!!! ARREST HER!!! AT LEAST CHECK HER OUT!!! HOW ARE YOU EMPLOYED!!!!! No, she just stands there, arches an eyebrow from afar as if, perhaps...all is not what it seems....no fucking shit Poirot!! ARRRRGGH!!! Doreen quickly hurries Bea into a changing room, deflects Deirdre's questions about her, so Deirdre forces her way into the changing room to see for herself...no...she doesn't does she?She just takes Doreen's words that she is a difficult customer as gospel...a woman with multiple jail-time for an embarrassment of crimes tells you something and you take her on her word! Oh...I can't bear to watch anymore, but it gets yet worse.
Doreen agrees to meet Bea in the state theatre to swap bags, one of which contains money, Bea is then gotten out of the shop by Doreen planting a security tag in a customer's bag and watching on as the alarm goes off, the manageress then shrieks as loud as she can to Deirdre that dealing with the shoplifter is 'in her line', blowing her 'cover' to one and all, not that it matters to Doreen who already knew...anyway, on to Doreen's meet with Bea at the theatre and just check out Deirdre 'covertly' following Doreen...by walking about five paces behind her...it's so pathetic that I'm even on Dor's side as she just turns around and tells her she may as well walk with her and come to the movies with her.
Deirdre even tries to pretend she doesn't know what Doreen is on about, then concedes that her stab at trailing Burns was about as secretive as Katie Price's promiscuity. The undercover cop actually goes to the cinema with Doreen!!! Actually sits down and watches the film!!! LOL!!! Seated next door to Doreen is Beatrice Alice Smith in her seemingly solid disguise, the pair swap bags in a blatant fashion right under the wretched Makin's very nose...and when Bea gets up to leave, Makin has a pop at Doreen for forcing her to go...never mind she has a bag that's identical to Doreen's...never mind that most people don't actually get up walk out of a film they've paid to see because of a slight bit of noise...and never mind that she is THE SAME WOMAN FROM THE SHOP WHO YOU THOUGHT WAS A TAD WEIRD!!! I proclaim Deirdre Makin the single worst police person in Prisoner Cell Block H!!! Absolute tripe!!
'Senior Detective Bradley'
Episodes 303-304 - Played by Peter Tulloch
This is the geezer investigating the fire at Logan's factory, there wasn't much incompetence as Logan's frame-up was pretty slick, it was just a badly acted line as he interviewed Barbara in prison....'Don't be naive Miss Fields...you could be lying!!' Well no fucking shit Taggart!! And you're a SENIOR Detective? Go on!!
