Hi Guys,

Writing this 'alternate' list is the result of a discussion I had with Stephen after he wrote his superlative list of the 50 greatest Joan moments. I suggested that I'd write about a selection of moments omitted from his list and he encouraged me to do so. This isn't a petty attempt to try and overshadow Stephen's list, more a way to honour Joan even further. Just a 'highlight reel' if you will from some of the less obvious classic moments and ones I'm sure were all considered by Stephen but fell marginally short of the cut. This is just an extension of Stephen's list, but not in any a rival piece. Stephen's piece will remain as the premiere Freak-list, mine as just an add-on, optional reading - whereas Stephen's is pretty mandatory.

Enjoy.

50) Laughing gas - 655

Ok, the first moment I feel the need to bring up is the hilarious scene in episode 655 where Rita and Lurch fill a whole load of balloons and bags with laughing gas and bring them to the rec-room knowing that Joan will doubtless confiscate them...which she duly does. Joan takes them to the staff-room and the gas then takes hold...Joyce Barry soon joins her and the results are superb with the usually at-loggerheads screws both recounting their activities of the day while hysterically guffawing, Joan excels as she talks of Lorelei's sentence for kidnapping Zoe while spluttering with joy...and then the pair begin stamping on more of the air bags and balloons in order to extend their high. Even better is a few minutes later when Rita sees Joan in this state and Ferguson, try as she might, can't drop the hysterics in front of her mortal enemy. This is a great scene because the audience had seldom ever seen Joan laugh at anything that wasn't related to her wanton evil, and to see her and Joyce larking about in the staff room - brilliant.

49) 'Nobody said love was supposed to be easy' - 291

Next up is a brief but amusing moment where Joan witnesses the break-up of Wendy Scott and Steve Faulkner, a break-up that she instigated by telling Wendy that Steve had a fling with Sandy Edwards. What with the recent accusations of raping Chrissie and his flirtations with Meg Morris - Wendy dumps Steve and he is left bemused in reception...cue Joan who is leaving for the evening herself and feels the need to console Steve with her own extensive knowledge of awry love affairs. 'Nobody said love was supposed to be easy' she tells Steve with a knowing grin. Whether Steve feels the need to take this sort of advice from a lonely lesbian woman in her mid-40's or not, he isn't rude enough to tell her to butt out and is clueless to her involvement in this momentary destruction of his sex-life. This is just one of a good few scenes with Steve and Joan, who on occasion form an unlikely tandem, culminating in the brilliant moment highlighted in Stephen's list whereby Steve turns on the water hose for Joan.

48) 'I tried to tell you all' - 483

This classic moment occurs just after Joyce Barry has witnessed the scene between Angel Adams and her grandmother, with Angel giving the first indication of her true nature to any of the staff...that is anyone except Joan, who spotted Adams' duplicitous nature many weeks earlier. Joyce walks into the staff-room and declares her shock at what she's just witnessed, that Adams is quite the monster. Both Meg and Ann seem surprised by this - but not our Joan, who says 'I tried to tell you all' barely concealing her glee at being right yet again.

47) Scaring Pixie - 381

This scene occurs shortly after Pixie's induction into Wentworth. Miss Mason had been up to all kinds of hi-jinks since finding out that you can be released if you can be proved 'insane'. Coming to the dining room in her pyjamas and (brilliantly) accusing Meg of sexual assault were just some of her efforts, but hiding in the wardrobe when Joan Ferguson comes to your cell is not advisable.

Joan is at first confused as to where Pixie has gotten to, but when Pixie bursts out - Joan is not amused. She walks towards her, prods her back into the wardrobe and promises her that the next time she tries something like that - she'll suffocate. Joan then closes the wardrobe door fast and leaves the room, Pixie waits until Joan has left before she bursts out again - clearly shaken, the only time Pixie drops her mad act during these early episodes in her run. Good to see Joan keeping it real during all this Pixie-led madness of the late 300's.

46) 'Just another pathetic attempt at a set up' - 484

This was a great little moment. Heather Rodgers has foolishly decided to collude with the women in ousting Joan Ferguson, but when the set-up team includes Marlene, Bobbie and Pixie, it was bound to mess up. The idea was that Joan would be caught in a 'compromising position' with Pixie, and if the previous entry in the list proved anything, it was that Pixie was not Joan's type at all. Joan suspected something was up and ordered Lou Kelly to find out, and find out she did, but not when it going to happen. Kelly was told to then find that out too and but she was then cornered by Kean. Joan is then ambushed by Myra and Judy, thrown into Pixie's cell and 'stripped'. Throughout it all, Joan effects a calmness that worries Judy, correctly suspecting that Joan is aware of everything. Judy then dismisses that when Joan suddenly looks worried, but this is due to Lou having not arrived to disturb it all as planned. However, the timing is way off and Marlene bumps into Ann and Stan prematurely in the corridor.

Warren, being the idiot she is, hauls Ann to the cell declaring that Joan is 'raping' Pixie (to the amusement of Stan) But Myra and Judy have not been able to finish their roughing up of Joan and are caught in the act. Ann barges in and sees poor Miss Ferguson with her clothes all ripped. Ann wants to know what is going on and its left to Joan to tell her - 'Just another pathetic attempt at a set up'. Couldn't have put it better myself. Myra and Judy are severely reprimanded and Heather is booted out of Wentworth in a flash - beautiful stuff.

45) Joan reads out Kelly's charge sheet - 522

Now, I love this little gem of a scene. Lou Kelly had certainly racked up an impressive list of crimes in the last few months, and it wouldn't be right if someone didn't highlight this. Joan saunters into the rec-room to let certain ladies know that the VJ hearings will take place that afternoon. She reads out the list of names...and then rests on the final woman....and grins - for it is Lou Kelly. And Joan smirks broadly as she reads what has to be the record amount of charges ever seen at a single VJ hearing...

Joan - Would you like to hear the charges?
Kelly - No but I don't suppose that'll stop you.
Joan - How right you are. Just listen to this. Escaping lawful custody, theft, illegal possession of a firearm, assault with a deadly weapon, extortion, kidnapping and last but not least the attempted murder of my good self. Should see you set for another hundred years Kelly.
Kelly - Would have all been worth it to have knocked you off.
Joan - What was that Kelly?
Kelly - I said... nothing.
Joan - You just can't keep out of trouble can you? Right, you've lost your rec period, get to your dorm.
Kelly - Oh come off it, why?
Joan - Insubordination, now move!

Joan enjoys herself immensely as she recites Lou's naughty activities - as do I. Another classic moment.

44) Ferguson turning the tables on Steve, Meg & Colleen - 314

This moment is the climax of the first attempt by the officers to team up and oust Ferguson. Steve had woken up about Joan by now, sneaky Meg was quite happy to help while a reluctant Colleen and an even more reluctant Erica was also in on the plot and so was Bea Smith! And they nearly got away with it too, but Joan was one step ahead of them due to her cultivation of Barbara Fields. And upon finding out the exact details from her, heads down to the Governors office just as a staff meeting has finished. All screws involved are present as Joan accuses both Steve and the Deputy Governor of selling buy-up goods to the women for a profit. Meg and Erica, also involved, are aghast as Joan has blown the lid off the plot. The fall-out results in Steve's resignation and Joan becoming yet more untouchable...and bitter for revenge. Quality.

43) Bragging about her promotion to senior officer to the women - 300

This was surely the last straw for Bea Smith and the gang. After Joan had kicked seven bells of crap out of Chrissie Latham, Erica decided to find out more about her latest charge. The Governor promised Joan that she'd be calling up her ex-employers in Queensland to find out exactly why she was hurriedly transferred to Wentworth. That was a bad move, as somehow, Joan managed to get in there ahead of Erica and somehow convince her ex-boss to give her a glowing report, and for some reason, this results in a promotion to senior officer for Joan - I never did understand that, but who's complaining. Joan wastes no time in heading to the recroom, pointing to her freshly sewed on extra Wentworth star and grinning as she tells Bea that its a whole different ball game now. Bea's response to this is to ignore all of Joan's orders and have the protest so excellently covered by Stephen in his piece. But this priceless piece of braggartism was the catalyst for the scenes following it. With Joan as a senior officer, she would simply not look back.

42) Walking past Donna's dorm - 296

This is a great little moment soon after Donna is brought into Wentworth. Joan had already made it known that she had a special way to deal with drug addicts and wasted no time in showing us that she cares not for the moans of a pathetic junkie. Donna is seen in her cell, sat on her bed, rocking back and forth and wailing indiscriminately, and in the background, who should walk past but Joan, who takes one glance over at Donna, then walks on, not caring a jot. Classically done and the beginning of many great encounters Donna would have with Joan.

41) 'Within my capabilities' - 422

Lovely moment here. Having already toppled Meg as Acting Deputy in recent weeks, Joan set her sights even higher, and used the knowledge of Colleen's involvement in a hit and run to try and secure the Acting Governorship. The Minister, Charles Harnsworth, has descended upon Wentworth to act on a complaint made by Minnie Donovan about Joan Ferguson poisoning her. But he seems more concerned with the scandal surrounding the hit and run. So much so, that he suspends Colleen before she can give evidence of Joan's guilt. Colleen hands Harnsworth the good oil anyway, but that other Joan - Barfield, confesses that Cass Parker was left alone with Donovan's food meaning that it could have been tampered with by her, ruling out any blame towards Ferguson. And as if to spite Colleen, The Minister hauls Joan in and asks her if she'd be willing to take on the role of Acting Governor. The response?

'If you think it's within my capabilities sir. How can I refuse?'

Delicious. Wondrous. Oh the smugness! Oh the joy.